How to Recognize Manipulation Tactics of the Narcissistic Mother
Are you exhausted by the manipulation tactics of your narcissistic mother? This refers to the toolbox of tricks she uses to maintain power and control over you and others.
These tactics leave you feeling frustrated, confused, and demoralized. You don’t know how to protect yourself because it seems wrong to admit that your mother is sabotaging you.
In this article we’ll go over the most common tactics narcissistic mothers use to maintain control, gain power, and get supply from you.
Manipulation tactics the narcissistic mother uses
There are countless tricks in the narcissist’s toolbox. I’m going to focus on the top four that are common to the point of being universal. These are the ones I get asked about the most in my coaching practice.
Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse that denies your reality or invalidates your experience. Not all gaslighting is narcissistic, but it’s believed that all narcissists gaslight.
The term comes from an old film called Gaslight. In the 1944 movie, a husband drives his wife to believe she’s going crazy by dimming the light in the gas lamps, then denying the light has changed.
Similarly, your mother will deny she said or did something you’re trying to get her to take accountability for. Having your reality denied or questioned can make you doubt yourself even when it’s as small as dimming a light.
Seeing your emotions denigrated or dismissed is another form of gaslighting. When you respond emotionally to an attack, the narcissist will make your reaction the problem instead of the problem itself.
It’s a dysfunctional way of taking the focus off of what needs to change (thereby avoiding accountability) and putting the focus on you instead. This creates a circular pattern that keeps you stuck in self-doubt.
That’s the narcissistic mother’s intention - absolve herself of responsibility and make you the problem so she can avoid growth, change, or self-reflection. Gaslighting allows her to continue in the delusion that she’s not the problem, you are.
Triangulation
Triangulation is a manipulation tactic of the narcissistic mother that involves a third party in the relationship to gain control by creating conflict and division. The three roles are persecutor, victim, and rescuer, and different people can play these roles at different times.
The narcissist, scapegoat child, and golden child are an example of triangulation. The narcissist projects all her perceived bad qualities onto the scapegoat and her good qualities onto the golden child.
This is because narcissists see things in black and white. They can’t view people as whole human beings with both positive and negative qualities: they are all good or all bad.
The narcissist sets themselves up as the victim, the scapegoat sibling as the persecutor, and the golden child as rescuer. The golden child may play along due to a subconscious fear of being placed in the scapegoat role.
This may be hard to hear, but your mother views you as an object and extension of herself rather than as a separate person. She sees herself reflected in you, but doesn’t see you as an individual with her own needs, wants, thoughts and feelings.
You are there to serve her and her dark need for narcissistic supply. Supply is the narcissistic mother’s fuel.
She can’t motivate herself, and needs external admiration and validation to keep going. She also thrives on negative supply like a reaction out of you that shows she’s having an effect on you.
This could be an emotional response or seeing your face fall when she is cruel. That will never change, and that’s why most scapegoats have to leave in order to heal.
There is little to no communication between the second and third parties in triangulation except through the narcissist. That’s how they keep control of the situation.
Therefore, you remain suspicious and adversarial toward the wrong person. She’s got both of you vying for her attention and this further feeds her need for supply.
Flying Monkeys
The term “flying monkeys” comes from The Wizard of Oz. In the film, the wicked witch’s pet flying monkeys did whatever she told them, regardless of how evil the task.
But in the end, they cheer and celebrate when she dies, proving they never loved her. She controlled them, by a spell or through fear and manipulation.
We see the same dynamic at play with a narcissistic mother and her flying monkeys. Except, unlike the creatures in the Wizard of Oz, these flying monkeys are human.
When you try to set a boundary with a narcissist, create distance, or go no contact, the flying monkey will contact you to smooth things over. They might be sent by your mother, or act out of their own desire to get things back the way they were.
Maybe they are tired of hearing your mother talk about you. Or they feel pressured to do something to restore the family dynamic.
Perhaps your mother has been telling them lies about how mean you are and they feel sorry for her. Whatever the reason, they are not interested in you or how you feel.
Flying monkeys are dangerous because they seem harmless and well-intentioned. In fact, their mission is to make you drop your boundaries, abandon yourself, and do what your mother wants.
They erase all the hard work you’ve put into setting boundaries and standing up for the truth. They abuse your trust because they have access to you based on a close relationship.
But they are not looking out for you. They don’t care about you at all, and they may not care about the narcissist, either.
Their goal is to restore the sick family dynamic. These are weak people who can’t tolerate change, can’t deal with conflict, or want to stay on the narcissist’s good side.
Guilt-tripping
One of the least-understood manipulation tactics of the narcissistic mother is guilt-tripping. You may not understand that your guilt is another tool in your mother’s arsenal.
Guilt is not a sign that you are guilty. This is a false claim from the mainstream self-help crowd.
Brene Brown, for example, states that guilt is healthy because it tells you when you’ve done something wrong. NOT TRUE FOR NARCISSISTIC ABUSE SURVIVORS.
Your mother uses guilt and has done so all your life to keep you in line. She encourages your guilt because that makes you doubt yourself, which makes you easier to control and manipulate.
Your job is to manage your guilt instead of trying to get rid of it by doing what your mother wants. EFT tapping is one way to soothe your nervous system while allowing yourself to process these feelings of guilt.
How to deal with the narcissistic mother’s tactics
No matter what you say or do, you can never get through to the narcissist. She intentionally decides not to look at your point of view as a way to discredit you, make you shut up, and to stay in control of the situation.
This frustrating state of affairs makes you strive to prove yourself even though there’s no point. She will talk in circles so you never get anywhere, or pick up on some tiny detail to derail the conversation from its original point.
She thrives on chaos and confusion and is not interested in resolution or mutual understanding. She doesn’t operate like a normal human being because she is missing vital characteristics that make us human: empathy and compassion.
Confronting your narcissistic mother about her manipulation tactics will do no good because she’ll deny it and fight to keep everything the same. Recognizing the dynamic, however, can bring relief because you know what you’re dealing with and can choose not to play the game.
Silence is the most effective tool with a narcissistic mother as she uses anything you say against you. Telling her you’re aware of what she’s doing is like revealing your cards to someone intent on defeating you.
Hoping that she will become a loving mother to you and stop manipulating you because you ask for mercy is the little girl’s magical thinking. The adult in you will pick up her sword (silence being the best one) and take care of herself as a good parent would.
next steps
Now you know how to recognize the top 4 manipulation tactics of the narcissistic mother. You can stop wasting time seeking her validation, and spend that precious energy on yourself.
I have a gift for you as you move forward on your healing journey. Claim your free guide “The 3 Myths About Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers” by entering your email below.
